Me, Son #1 and Depression can you say "I'm DONE"!

FML!!

Well, since Mike moved back in my life has been a virtual see saw of emotions.  Happy he is here and safe, then pissed off he is sneaking off in the middle of the night to be with his 'street' friends.  Then has to tell me he has met the daughter of his 'street father' and is moving to Brampton to live with her and he is in LOvE.  The kid can't spell it never mind know what it fucking means.

I read on facebook that he is going to be leaving sooner than planned, well for one I thing, I think that is what it says, you can't read his attempt at spelling, for 2 he just met this girl and he is going to go live with her? WTF???  I have decided that I am not going to work overtime this week so I can concentrate on putting protection spells on my house and everything, including me, in it.  At this point I don't care if he moves away.  Since he's been here my depression is higher, my anxiety is brutal and I can't find a damn thing that makes me happy unless I am not in my home.  This is MY home and I am taking it back damn it!

He says he is taking his medication for his bipolar, but I don't think he even has any to be honest, he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear.  I am tired of all of this and I don't like it either, so bye, I love you but good bye.
It maybe cruel and strange considering my last posting, but damn I thought I had road this coaster before and marked it off my list of things to do again, but here we are again. 
This is my time, my house, my cats, my stuff, my junk mine mine mine!!!!!!!!!
I am not willing to risk my mental health for anyone, not even my 21yr old son.  Yes mentally he is behind about 4 years, but I have put him in counseling, in therapy got him special help in school etc etc etc and yet, he doesn't care.  Oh well he can live the life he chooses from now on.  This mother is finished.

Changing Blog Name for now

I am feeling very selfish and embarrassed for the fear, hate, feelings of wanting to be dead my deep depression and my anxiety while I have so many friends affected by cancers in their lives and me I am just dark and pissed off and angry with everything.

I am going to do some reading up on the dark Goddess' it would seem that The Morgan and Hekate are both touching me well SHOVING me to look into their beings. 

Hekate's correspondances are as follows;
Attributes: Protecting women and dogs and cursing the unjust I get this but cats more than dogs

Color: Midnight blue, burgundy, silver and black Love these colours in my life
Symbols: Torch, dog, snake owls, cauldron, key, rope, dagger and willow dogs, owls the cauldron old keyes all keep showingup in my dreams lately and well I have always loved willow
Element: Earth
Stone/Metal: Onyx, moonstone and silver onyx and moonstone are 2 stones I always keep with me and 98% of my jewlery is silver

The Morgan's ability to shape shift into the raven omg I am always seeing these birds not to mention that is what I named my truck lol
As I said more research is needed but let me get to why I need this right now.

I get a call this morning from the insurance company saying oh btw you are no longer covered and should see your doctor to get a note for returning to work asap.  If anyone has dealt with these vultures you know that every note has a fee.  I am now a month behind in my rent, and have to call my car insurance company as i don't know when I will have the money to pay them this month's money and I am going to Yet again bounce an automatic payment on Friday.  I explain to my doctor what is going on and he says that isn't correct they read the information wrong and that yes they require the information from the hospital however mentally I am no where near I need to be to be going back to work.  So he tells me to go home call the hospital and have them fax the information to him asap and he will fax it with his letter to the insurance company showing my incompidance in returning to work right now.  So now I am in waiting limbo again I never got to go to my exercise class and I have a blind date this evening.  I just want to heavily smoke, drink, fall down drunk and not wake up for several days... even concidered doing some horrible things earlier like taking an overdose of pills but didn't want my kid to find me I just don't know what to do I am a total HOTMESS!!!!
I know it is wrong but I think things would be so much better without me

open mouth insert a foot or 2

UGH!  All this cycling is killing me I have started fights with my oldest, my best friend and my insides today.

I did find out that Ben & Jerry's 'if I had 1,000,000 Flavours icecream is the best! However, the price is horrible!

I calmed myself down with a great cauldron of sweetgrass, sage and lavender buds and let it wash throught the apartment and over myself however when I should have just shut down and go to bed, I ended up starting an arguement with my best friend who informed me that I am immature.  I do not disagree with this conclusion and if she wants to remove me from her life because of that, well that is her problem not mine and I am not going to let it get to me lol except for the tears running down my face and my breaking heart but whatever.  I will never be as smart, as amazing or as awesome as she is, however could be I am just really tired and I am making things worse.  I know I did when I typed the last message to her.

Anyway, my friends and family, I am still alive however a hormonal bitch at large... BED

Missing my Grand's

Lately while doing my meditation studies I have been seeing the colours red, black and white and those colours make me think of my Nanny.  With her white hair and blouse and her red vest and black skirts.  It is funny when both my Nanny and Poppa were still alive, I use to dream of a green house and a green chair next to a fireplace with a brown leather chair on the other side of the fireplace and I knew my Grandmother and Grandfather were watching over me and that felt safe, and now I since going through what I can only call my 'breakdown' it seems my Nanny is close by and it feels like she is hugging me sometimes and other times just sitting on the side of my bed.  These are lovely feelings; I feel the love of my grandparents from both sides sending it out to me and I am forever grateful and wish I knew how to send them love back.

I think my urge for sewing and knitting right now are my connecting with my grandmothers somehow, wow I am actually crying as I write this out lol I am such an old sap! lol

Reading my cousin's blog today and how she dealt with her bickering kids reminded me so much of our Nanny and how much she loved all of us Grand's and the Great Grand's and would have been thrilled to have meet the Great Great Grand's.  Thank you Michelle for reminding me of the loving nature of Doris we were so lucky to have had her for as long as we did and to have Poppa even longer was such a wonderful blessing. 

I have OFTEN thought about how it would have been to have my Mom's parents see us grow up into the adults we have become, I wish they could have seen us and all our kids, I think they would have enjoyed it a great deal! 

To Thomas, Olive, Doris and Frank, I miss each of you so much and for some reason a lot today.  May you all keep watching over all of us and sending us the love we sometimes do not think we deserve. 
I love you all very much. 
Sharron Colleen

Don't Read - Whiny

darkness surrounds me, I am not well tonight.  Very lonely without my friends at work.  I have friends that want to come over and I guess I am going to have to break down that wall and let people in.

want to be somewhere warm, laying in the sun reading (if you know me I do not like day light) so I guess this is bad i can feel my heart beating more than usual I need to learn to breath like in yoga but can't figure it out from the tapes

I want to clean out my room but can't seem to make myself do it how stupid is that, I really want to do it!

I have NOT followed my diet all week and am now out of cash until Friday and only have sausages left for meat lots of pasta and veggies but no chicken or lean meats and I need to have some meat with the veggies rice or pasta

I want to cry but I don't want to cry I AM A MESS!

thank you to everyone for all your wonderful comments some days they help get me through HUGS!

My Happiness work in progress More to come

This was a homework assignment that I have put some great thought into and should probably make into a page, but for now it will just be a post.

Family!
Sisters Nieces and Nephews Great Niece and Great Nephew



Pretty!
Pink Roses, Joe's top chief ranking badge, Joe and Ashley Gizmo with Gypsy and Torrie with Buddah and Jebus

My Girls & Extras lol

Fran Eva Jenni Shannon w/Kyla Rob and the girls

My kids & I
Top left corner Mike, Top Right Joe, Bottom Left Ryan, Bottom Right Kyla and Center Moi!

TREES  I love LOVE Trees!



New Doctor

Well I met with my new Doctor this morning, Dr. Michael Amit Rana.  He is young and very smart.  I like his thoughts on healing the whole person.  He did his undergrad work in mental health and is all about healing the body and the mind as one.  He isn't into writing prescriptions and has a drop in style of practice that way if you really need to be seen, you will be.
Tomorrow he is doing a complete blood work up and requesting my files from my other doctor.  He is going to be stunned with all the prescriptions as he has no affiliations with any drug companies and doesn't allow them in his office.  If there is a holistic way to heal something then that is tried first then prescriptions.  He was shocked at the levels of medication I take for my anxiety and depression and said I truly need to practice meditation daily a few times a day will make it easier for me to learn.  He also suggests jogging and yoga.

Well I am interested to see where this new chapter in my life leads me, a healther me could mean a happier me, what next??????
NAP TIME!!! lol  too cold out side and in here going to go to my bed later peeps btw looking for yule ornament Ideas!

Next 2 weekends after this one!

I get to see my witchy sisters two weekends in a row! I am so excited!  Next weekend they are coming here for Hamilton, Pagan Pride, we are going to BBQ talk, I heard 1 is getting a tattoo while here.  FUN FUN
The weekend after that Fran and I are going there, can't wait!  It is so relaxing being with people that understand my depression and anxiety and are also wiccan in one-way-shape-or-form LOL
Fran, Jenni and Shan I love you all so much!!!  Thank you for welcoming me into your lives!!
Now lets hope I can afford the price of getting the wiring fixed on the truck UGH!

Peace and Love

Downward Spiral

UPDATE doctor can't see me for 2 weeks! WTF????
I haven't been feeling mentally well of late, at first I thought I just missed Ryan since he has left or the fact he would always hug me when I came in the door unlike Joey who is not as affectionate.  Then a friend of mine at work kept asking me if I was mad at her or had she said or done something, and no she had not.  Then tonight she asked how I was mentally!  Like a clash of thunder and lightening it hit me, my depression is getting bad.  I am going to call the doctor tomorrow, I think my meds may not be working as well as they should or could be.  I don't know what it is, I want to sleep all the time, I am grouchy and just not happy at all.  I could be in my apartment and go no where and not have an issue with it at all.  There is no one I really want to see right now, sorry everyone, but it is just me.  I wish I wanted to be around people but the thought of it sends another spiralling jolt through my body.  Not even my friends and family and damn even the cats are annoying me.  This is just not me!  I don't want to finish the baby sweater for my friend even though I know the baby is coming tomorrow and I have a sleeve and a half left to do, I don't feel like stitching even though I have some amazing fabric, floss and Halloween charts to do.  Nothing Nada Blah is all I want right now.  So please forgive my not posting and not calling and not answering emails I am just in a downward spiral right now.

WARNING! Another Deep Funk

All the boys have Graduated, Ashley (Joe's girl) is off to Glider camp it is a very hot early summer and me, well I could just stay in bed and sleep and never get up. 

My meds are fine, my life is going okay but for some reason I feel low and on the edge. 

I know this is when I am suppose to go out and walk but it's too effing hot for that. I just want to crawl into a cave and not come out. 

I am in a I don't care funk, don't care if I eat, shower, brush my hair play my games on FB or even read/crochet/knit or stitch.

My mind is racing and looking for an answer but I find nothing.  I feel like my age is catching up for the first time I wish I never dyed my hair, never grew my nails, never did anything.

I had a GREAT time with a friend I haven't seen in the better part of 30 years and really enjoyed our hours of conversation but as soon as I came home, I lapsed into the pit again. 

I hope this doesn't last!

I am going to go out and commune with nature tonight, once the sun God has moved on it could be I really need to be in nature right now, wish I had the guts to run through the trees naked, however that could be blinding to anyone who saw me, not to mention could get me arrested here in the city LOL.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have these HORRID marks around my eyes and have noticed I rarely make eye contact with new people because I am so embarrassed by them. 

I have asked the doctor and he says it is my body saying my cholesterol is high, well I want the damn things removed! 

It is causing my anxiety issues to be worse, other than work and home I just don't do new things because I am so embarrassed by them. 

I have no problem with my weight, yes I wish I was 50lbs thinner, but I have no issues with that anymore but everyone notices your face!

I don't know what I am going to do if the doctor just fluff's me off again these things are effing ugly and I want them GONE!

Yuletide Greetings

I want to wish all my friends the happiest of Yuletide blessings and a Very Merry Christmas.

I am sure you will all enjoy your days with family and friends and those you hold dear to you.

Be safe, and Be happy and the best to you and your's.

Love Sherry, Mike, Joey, Steph and Zander

[Gizmo and Torrie too]