Saturday, January 08, 2011

Truly Scared

Saturday is my last day of work for at least a month.  My doctor is making me take time off and find out why after quitting smoking my body is not agreeing with my medications  for my depression and for my anxiety.
I have to stream line my house and life, get rid of the things and people that do not serve a part of my life anymore.  Things I no longer have a use or need for, sew what I am going to sew and dump the rest.  Make my room my sanctuary.
  • meditate twice a day
  • yoga lessons for a month, daily
  • walk or jog 20 minutes twice daily
  • learn to just let things go
  • be more positive and stop the negative
  • see a shrink 3 times a week
  • councillor up to 3 times a week
  • learn to do for me
  • make myself eat more than once a day if I remember to do that much
  • learn to say NO
  • step outside of my safe zone
  • journal EVERYTHING
  • anxiety workbook, do it not just add it to the to be read and done pile
  • find the depression workbook and do it as well, find out why I have so many manic highs and lows
I truly am scared to findout who I am without all the anxiety and fears and negativity these are all things I hide behind daily.  This is a journey to the deepest parts of my mind, my heart and my soul and if I come out of this the same scared shitless woman I will be so disappointed in myself for not letting go all the way.

4 comments:

Dark Mother said...

I know 4 people who have quit smoking in the last 18 months and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM experienced depression and/or depression with anxiety.

Nicotine is NO JOKE and is definitely a drug. The withdrawal goes much further than physical, it is probably easier to detox physically than mentally.

I'm sorry you are going through this but try and take comfort in knowing your reaction is perfectly normal. Especially if you've smoked for a long time.

Does your insurance pay for therapy?

TMCPhoto said...

really truly looking at ourselves and who we are is one of the hardest things we can do. My husband is going through something similar and watching his struggle to conquer the anxiety is a very hard thing. The one thing that he has said to me is that getting past all that hard stuff is so worth it and that now that he has had some time where the anxiety and depression aren't ruling his every moment that he would never want to go back to how things were before.

You are going to come out of this time a stronger person.

Biblitra said...

I wish you all the best for this journey... At the end you'll be stronger, healthier and happier!

Wendy said...

Don't overwhelm yourself with too many goals. I completely understand your desire for a healthier and happier New Year as we both have mood disorders. I've found that the best way to make lasting change for myself is time and lots of patience and compassion for myself. I'll be thinking of you and reading about how you're doing. sending you blessings and hugs.