Changing Blog Name for now

I am feeling very selfish and embarrassed for the fear, hate, feelings of wanting to be dead my deep depression and my anxiety while I have so many friends affected by cancers in their lives and me I am just dark and pissed off and angry with everything.

I am going to do some reading up on the dark Goddess' it would seem that The Morgan and Hekate are both touching me well SHOVING me to look into their beings. 

Hekate's correspondances are as follows;
Attributes: Protecting women and dogs and cursing the unjust I get this but cats more than dogs

Color: Midnight blue, burgundy, silver and black Love these colours in my life
Symbols: Torch, dog, snake owls, cauldron, key, rope, dagger and willow dogs, owls the cauldron old keyes all keep showingup in my dreams lately and well I have always loved willow
Element: Earth
Stone/Metal: Onyx, moonstone and silver onyx and moonstone are 2 stones I always keep with me and 98% of my jewlery is silver

The Morgan's ability to shape shift into the raven omg I am always seeing these birds not to mention that is what I named my truck lol
As I said more research is needed but let me get to why I need this right now.

I get a call this morning from the insurance company saying oh btw you are no longer covered and should see your doctor to get a note for returning to work asap.  If anyone has dealt with these vultures you know that every note has a fee.  I am now a month behind in my rent, and have to call my car insurance company as i don't know when I will have the money to pay them this month's money and I am going to Yet again bounce an automatic payment on Friday.  I explain to my doctor what is going on and he says that isn't correct they read the information wrong and that yes they require the information from the hospital however mentally I am no where near I need to be to be going back to work.  So he tells me to go home call the hospital and have them fax the information to him asap and he will fax it with his letter to the insurance company showing my incompidance in returning to work right now.  So now I am in waiting limbo again I never got to go to my exercise class and I have a blind date this evening.  I just want to heavily smoke, drink, fall down drunk and not wake up for several days... even concidered doing some horrible things earlier like taking an overdose of pills but didn't want my kid to find me I just don't know what to do I am a total HOTMESS!!!!
I know it is wrong but I think things would be so much better without me

Don't Read - Whiny

darkness surrounds me, I am not well tonight.  Very lonely without my friends at work.  I have friends that want to come over and I guess I am going to have to break down that wall and let people in.

want to be somewhere warm, laying in the sun reading (if you know me I do not like day light) so I guess this is bad i can feel my heart beating more than usual I need to learn to breath like in yoga but can't figure it out from the tapes

I want to clean out my room but can't seem to make myself do it how stupid is that, I really want to do it!

I have NOT followed my diet all week and am now out of cash until Friday and only have sausages left for meat lots of pasta and veggies but no chicken or lean meats and I need to have some meat with the veggies rice or pasta

I want to cry but I don't want to cry I AM A MESS!

thank you to everyone for all your wonderful comments some days they help get me through HUGS!