Changing Blog Name for now

I am feeling very selfish and embarrassed for the fear, hate, feelings of wanting to be dead my deep depression and my anxiety while I have so many friends affected by cancers in their lives and me I am just dark and pissed off and angry with everything.

I am going to do some reading up on the dark Goddess' it would seem that The Morgan and Hekate are both touching me well SHOVING me to look into their beings. 

Hekate's correspondances are as follows;
Attributes: Protecting women and dogs and cursing the unjust I get this but cats more than dogs

Color: Midnight blue, burgundy, silver and black Love these colours in my life
Symbols: Torch, dog, snake owls, cauldron, key, rope, dagger and willow dogs, owls the cauldron old keyes all keep showingup in my dreams lately and well I have always loved willow
Element: Earth
Stone/Metal: Onyx, moonstone and silver onyx and moonstone are 2 stones I always keep with me and 98% of my jewlery is silver

The Morgan's ability to shape shift into the raven omg I am always seeing these birds not to mention that is what I named my truck lol
As I said more research is needed but let me get to why I need this right now.

I get a call this morning from the insurance company saying oh btw you are no longer covered and should see your doctor to get a note for returning to work asap.  If anyone has dealt with these vultures you know that every note has a fee.  I am now a month behind in my rent, and have to call my car insurance company as i don't know when I will have the money to pay them this month's money and I am going to Yet again bounce an automatic payment on Friday.  I explain to my doctor what is going on and he says that isn't correct they read the information wrong and that yes they require the information from the hospital however mentally I am no where near I need to be to be going back to work.  So he tells me to go home call the hospital and have them fax the information to him asap and he will fax it with his letter to the insurance company showing my incompidance in returning to work right now.  So now I am in waiting limbo again I never got to go to my exercise class and I have a blind date this evening.  I just want to heavily smoke, drink, fall down drunk and not wake up for several days... even concidered doing some horrible things earlier like taking an overdose of pills but didn't want my kid to find me I just don't know what to do I am a total HOTMESS!!!!
I know it is wrong but I think things would be so much better without me

Missing my Grand's

Lately while doing my meditation studies I have been seeing the colours red, black and white and those colours make me think of my Nanny.  With her white hair and blouse and her red vest and black skirts.  It is funny when both my Nanny and Poppa were still alive, I use to dream of a green house and a green chair next to a fireplace with a brown leather chair on the other side of the fireplace and I knew my Grandmother and Grandfather were watching over me and that felt safe, and now I since going through what I can only call my 'breakdown' it seems my Nanny is close by and it feels like she is hugging me sometimes and other times just sitting on the side of my bed.  These are lovely feelings; I feel the love of my grandparents from both sides sending it out to me and I am forever grateful and wish I knew how to send them love back.

I think my urge for sewing and knitting right now are my connecting with my grandmothers somehow, wow I am actually crying as I write this out lol I am such an old sap! lol

Reading my cousin's blog today and how she dealt with her bickering kids reminded me so much of our Nanny and how much she loved all of us Grand's and the Great Grand's and would have been thrilled to have meet the Great Great Grand's.  Thank you Michelle for reminding me of the loving nature of Doris we were so lucky to have had her for as long as we did and to have Poppa even longer was such a wonderful blessing. 

I have OFTEN thought about how it would have been to have my Mom's parents see us grow up into the adults we have become, I wish they could have seen us and all our kids, I think they would have enjoyed it a great deal! 

To Thomas, Olive, Doris and Frank, I miss each of you so much and for some reason a lot today.  May you all keep watching over all of us and sending us the love we sometimes do not think we deserve. 
I love you all very much. 
Sharron Colleen